Detruvian Man
Corey Taylor (via Flickr)
Before I start this post, let me just say this – I know what I’m about to talk about is old news. I know everyone and their grandmother has joked about it before. I know that between the title of this post and the picture above, you can probably make a solid guess at where I’m going. I have been meaning to do this for a while now and thanks to a recent post by the girls at Reign in Blonde, I can’t stand to wait any longer. Want to take a guess? Here it is: Corey Taylor is a disproportionate fuck. He has a huge neck and head on top of a small body, and you’re about to witness me turn that statement into a huge unfunny blog post. Watch and learn.
The 100 Best Metal Albums of the Decade: #1
1. Limp Bizkit – Chocolate Starfish and the Hot Dog Flavored Water (2000)
I want a red Yankees cap too
The Most Metal Album Cover of All Time
Year 2000, Fred Durst defined cool. He did cool things like sell twelve million copies of this album and sleep with pop stars. His band made #1 on TRL even though everything else was teen pop and he was all metal and shit. And he could say that word fuck. That sealed the deal. The fact that Fred Durst could say “fuck” even though he had nothing else that was worthwhile to say. It was everything that my mom was afraid of and it ruled. This album sparked my interest in the metal genre since it was the heaviest stuff that I ever heard in my life. It was hard, it was aggressive, and it was a break form the N*Sync stuff that all of my classmates listened to. It proved to me that not all music was for wimps, some if it had attitude. Read more »
The 100 Best Metal Albums of the Decade: #39
39. System of a Down – Toxicity (2001)
Nu Metal ist Krieg
A simple shoop, but effective.
System of a Down was not only the successor to Rage Against the Machine but also metal’s answer to the hardcore legends of yesteryear, the Dead Kennedys. Through a sarcastic yet intelligent sense of humor, a compulsion to experiment, and oftentimes weirdness for its own sake, System of a Down became the biggest name in heavy metal for the first half of the previous decade. This quartet from Los Angeles (or more accurately, the suburbs in the San Fernardo Valley where about half of all American porn stars reside) have managed to take the then dying carcass of nu metal and turn it into something fresh, new and not nearly as bad as its genre would have you believe. Read more »
Worst in Show
No One Wants to Buy This (via Di-Arezzo.co.uk)
As we continue to wade through the cold uncharted waters of nu metal’s resurgence (who the hell wanted Adema to reunite?), you can’t help but wonder exactly who wants this bullshit genre back. Are there just a bunch of misunderstood attention whore teenagers who are all grown up now and don’t have anything to pogo dance to? Or are there just a bunch of dumb fucks who missed the first boat out back in 1999? I happen to think it’s a little bit of both. Still, as anyone whose been to a Limp Bizkit show in 2009 will tell you, the retro 90’s movement (can’t believe I just said that) often descends into parody before it can even come close to resembling a “revival”. For instance, watch these videos:
The Internet is Serious Business
The Internet is Serious Business (via FunLOL.com)
You may remember last month when Machine Head felt ego raped after being moved from their spot on the U.K. Sonisphere bill to make room for Limp Bizkit. You could practically smell the beef stew heating up but it never really came to a boil. Still, it was one of the more entertaining bits of metal news at the time, considering how all of Machine Head’s fans got a hold of some amnesiac flavor of Kool-Aid when The Blackening came out; suddenly everyone forgot about Robb Flynn’s Tarzan impersonations and cornrows. He still tells everybody “from the back to the front” to get the fuck up though, so at least some things never change.
To make a long story short, Machine Head ended up getting back on the bill and played parallel to the Bizkit on the second stage yesterday, but the testosterone estrogen got kicking well before people placed their bets on the song during which Phil Demmel would pass out (I think he made it all the way through this time, though). Robb made a comment on the Machine Head message board about how bad they were going to “crush” Limp Bizkit, which is actually pretty sad considering it doesn’t take much to crush a band that patented dance moves inspired by car steering wheels.
Later on after the show, DJ Lethal stormed the social networking Bastilles known as Twitter and offered his retort:
Amusementcore
Whitechapel Fan (via Flickr)
NOTE: The above picture is not directly related to this article, but he is in fact a Whitechapel fan at an amusement park, and that makes his visage relevant.
Welcome back, me.
In case you didn’t know, I was out of town for the past four days taking in the sights and sounds of Charlotte, North Carolina. It caused me great pain to see uptown’s construction-riddled skyline fading in my rearview earlier today; given the opportunity to stay for another night, I would.
But now things are back to normal. I’m no longer in Charlotte and you’re wherever the hell you are. That means I’ve got to blog, and let me tell you – I have plenty to talk about.
Rumbles in the Bunghole, Vol. II
Chuck Billy...wait a minute, that's not him. (via MetalCovenant.com)
- I hate when dumbass bands on MySpace put themselves in categories like “2-step”, “ghettotech”, and “minimalist chinese traditional”. If you play metal or even some shitty variation of it, file yourself under the fucking metal category. It’s a novel idea – you know, making it easier for future listeners to find you based on genres they enjoy? Not by fucking tricking them into thinking you’re a white guy with a turntable in your grandma’s basement? By the way, look in the comment section of that video; I find it funny that rap fags think 163 bpm is “bangin”. It’s like that moment in Dragonball Z (wtf) when Vegeta says Goku’s power level is “OVER 9,000!“ Exagerrating information that really isn’t that big of a deal causes teh lulz.
- Sometimes I wish I was born in the 70’s so that I could grow up enjoying metal right from its humble beginnings (after Sabbath, of course). I can pretty much guarantee I’d be even more of a worthless fuck than I am today, but at least my childhood would be filled with discovering classic bands in newly emerging genres and sub-genres. There is nothing more depressing as a metal fan than knowing you grew up in the eras of nu metal, metalcore, deathcore, or…crabcore *shudder*, or whatever other fucked up excuses for metal are to come in the future. Seriously, just knowing that I had to hear Korn first before I heard Cannibal Corpse, Limp Bizkit before Testament, new Sepultura before old Sepultura – it brings my piss to a boil. It shouldn’t have to work that way. No one should have to listen to Attack Attack! in order to work their way back to S.O.D. No one.
- When Dino Cazares goes to Golden Corral, is there a large handicap booth within arm’s reach of the macaroni and cheese reserved for him? Are his doorways made of butter? Does he drive a minivan with no passenger seats in it? In real life, does he look like this without PhotoShop? These are questions I ask myself on a daily basis.
Rob Guz is a Fuck
Rob Guz (via ImageShack.us)
You have no idea who this assdick is – with his leather flare pants, body armor, Qing dynasty haircut, and guitar made from sPoOkY wood. You should be happy about that. Your happiness ends now, however, for I am about to introduce you to Rob Guz.
RAAH!
Dan Donegan (via MusicRadar.com)
Disturbed guitarist Dan Donegan is trying to convince people that Disturbed isn’t, and never was, nu metal. Nice try.
This is Your Brain on Bizkit
Wes Borland (via Mayones.com)
Ladies and gentleman, that is what rock bottom looks like. Wes Borland has hit it – hard. We all know he’s the prototypical nu metal guy who dresses weird onstage (one of the first to do it before Mushroomhead, Slipknot, and Mudvayne decided to have their whole band do it), but this? What a mess. Limp Bizkit is currently in the first leg of their “Unicorns N’ Rainbows” reunion tour (I’m not making that name up), so the best guess anyone has come up with so far is that Wes is dressed up like a unicorn.
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AUTHORS
Chris Catharsis
dasher10