I watched this video earlier today and immediately sent it to The Gauntlet and MetalSucks – but forgot about the fact that I have a perfectly good (eh?) blog of my own right here! So there you have it. Things get real at about 2:34 when the dude starts wailing like Thordendal’s guitar. Can this guy please be in every Meshuggah song from now on? I’m serious. I would love them even more.
There's Something Wrong With the Order of Artists... (via WordPress)
Over Christmas break, my beautiful fiancee called me while I was at work one day to tell me what one of my presents would be. She said it was tickets to a tour – one that I would really enjoy. After a few guesses, I found out the tickets were to see Devin Townsend. I was like, “fuck yes, thank you future wife”. The rest of the bands on the bill didn’t really matter until she said Cynic would be there too, and that’s when I creamed me’ britches. As a side note, she also mentioned Scale the Summit and Between the Buried and Me (whom at the time I didn’t know was headlining, silly me) would be there as well. I wasn’t upset by this at all; as much as I hate BTBAM’s fans, I do respect the band as a group of talented musicians (although I wish they would learn from Scale the Summit and take the instrumental route permanently).
Before I start this post, let me just say this – I know what I’m about to talk about is old news. I know everyone and their grandmother has joked about it before. I know that between the title of this post and the picture above, you can probably make a solid guess at where I’m going. I have been meaning to do this for a while now and thanks to a recent post by the girls at Reign in Blonde, I can’t stand to wait any longer. Want to take a guess? Here it is: Corey Taylor is a disproportionate fuck. He has a huge neck and head on top of a small body, and you’re about to witness me turn that statement into a huge unfunny blog post. Watch and learn.
It’s January 1st, New Years Day 2010 – and I already know my pick for album of the year. How? Because Christopher Fucking Lee (that is his real middle name) will be releasing a metal album in March. But it’s not just any album; it’s a concept album about one of Lee’s distant ancestors. Whom, you might ask? Does the name Charlemagne mean anything to you? Right, so as if I needed further reassurance that Christopher Lee is in fact the Alpha and Omega of badassery (which I did not), I barely get a chance to make it out of the 2010 gate before more proof is shoved in my face.
The Rev, Drummer for Avenged Sevenfold (via Buzznet.com)
When I got home from work a few hours ago, I went through my before-bed routine: check e-mail, check MySpace, check Twitter, and finally, check Blabbermouth. Usually when I get to step #4, I’m in the process of gearing myself up for another painful read through Dave Mustaine’s latest blog post about nothing, and 99% of the time that’s what I end up actually doing (a sad and pathetic existence that I call everyday life). But this time things were different – and a lot more depressing than anything Mustaine could ever write.
Well folks here we are, knee deep in the holiday season (fuck political correctness, it’s Christmas Eve). As a metal fan, you may be wondering: why have the culinary arts forsaken me? Long typecast as anti-social deviants leading unrefined lifestyles, metalheads have gotten the short end of the deliciousness stick for far too long. If you’re hosting a large dinner for the family this year but The Joy of Cooking just isn’t heavy enough for you, try Hellbent for Cooking by Morbid Tales’ resident band-patch-receptacle, Annick Giroux.
Okay – I don’t know how old this image of Slimgwie is, but from my end it looks like there is a shit ton on Photoshop action going on here. Just look at his stomach; there are no lines, no wrinkles, no imperfections. In fact it’s so perfect that I bet you could lay him face down onto a newspaper, press hard for a few seconds, and then peel him off to read the headlines. The only thing that could prove this photo hasn’t been doctored is the unforeseen revelation that Silly Putty is in fact anthropomorphic and somehow learned to shred like a moron 20 years ago.
I am a HUGE After Forever fan so even though it hurts me to know that they are no more, I’m at least happy to know that two of the former members are back composing with former Grip Inc. guitarist Waldemar Howeverthefuckyourspellhislastname under the name ReVamp. This is great news for any fans of either band.
ReVamp are still completing their final lineup and plan on posting demos online in the near future.
This is a blog about metal – and all the stuff that can go wrong with it. As one of the few genres (in my opinion) that can simultaneously unite and divide people so violently, metal itself has become a battleground of inbred enemies. We are constantly fighting amongst each other over which bands are better and which ones are posers, and sometimes the gray area in the middle becomes so dense that you don’t know what’s safe to tell people you listen to and what isn’t. Blabbermouth has shown us how frustrating that can be.
However, I’m not out to change the world. This passionate dialogue of “fuck you’s” and “[insert band name here] isn’t metal”, while divisive, is one of the defining features of the music by which we swear. It is the human element in the equation that makes metal different from everything else. We now live in a world where if you make someone cry over the internet you can be charged with hate speech. Nothing quells free speech more than hurt feelings and litigation (the latter has an edge on the former in terms of influence), and that is a big problem. What’s the solution?
My dad likes to say “suck it up” – but I prefer “get a spine”. Don’t walk around slouching over like a drooling imbecile taking so much pity on yourself that you’ll punish others for your own low self-esteem. Instead, embrace the power of being human and learn to let words stay words and feelings stay feelings. That’s the point of this blog. Metal fans aren’t a bunch of whiny children begging for apologies and compensation; we’re strong-willed, intelligent people who can withstand anything. We embrace music built on the concept of having a backbone. Shouldn’t we talk like we have one?
My plan is to take risks and always stay humorous, even if some of the things I say contradict previous things I’ve said. Since I don’t take this seriously, you shouldn’t take me and my immediate opinions seriously. The point is to have fun! Don’t jump all over me because I take a jab at your favorite band, because in the next post I might back them up!
I also hope to feature a lot of exclusive interviews with bands and CD reviews, so if you’re in a band and you want to be reviewed/interviewed, let me know! I’m much more respectful with those things than what I post in “General Buffoonery,” so I won’t be taking jabs at you. Just let me know through my MySpace page.